And We're Back
Elder Allen and I would often yell a simple "Ah!" While making our eyes really big, blinking, and nod our head with our body to make it seem like we had flashed forward into the future or back into the past. Then proceeded to say these words,
Breathing Heavily
"Whe- Where am I?"
We would often do this when we went to a place that we had been before with many memories or it would come up in our normal conversation. These past few weeks I have been living that "Flashback" moment.
As the title of this letter reads "And We're Back" should indicate that I have been somewhere before. And while I have now lived in the same two different apartments twice on my mission, this time it seems to be more significant.
When I first came back to Texas after my little six-week vacation getting surgery in Utah, (Update: I feel a lot better and there is little discomfort) I went into an area with an Elder who has now gone home. And I was only in that area for a short time. Six weeks to be exact. In that apartment, I really struggled. I moved out and went to Vista Ridge, where I met some of my best friends and started finding joy in the work. And to hear the news from President, at the end of my stay in Vista Ridge, over six months ago, that I would be going back to that apartment that I really struggled in, I was devastated and didn't want to go.
But then it ended up being a really good time.
I went down to Bastrop and started training my third trainee, Elder Whicker. We thought we were safe. We thought that we would avoid the Transfer Troll but to our surprise, we got a call from President Carter.
"Elder Payne, I have a new assignment for you this next transfer!"
My heart sank. I muted the call, as we were with other missionaries, and joked that he was going to "demote" me from Zone Leader to District Leader. After unmuting and telling him,
"Oh! Well, what could that be?"
He responded and told me that he wanted me to train again and that I would be opening an area.
"President-" I paused. "President, what? I don't get to stay with Elder Whicker?"
He responded in the affirmative and four days later I was to be transferred away with the news that I would be living in the Vista Ridge apartment. The place in my mission where I had made so many memories. The friends that I had made. And most importantly the greater testimony I had received of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and the divinity of Jesus Christ.
Opening an area, training in a YSA, and back to the same apartment. I didn't know how to feel. I was a little nervous. A little excited. However, I knew that this would probably be the last area that I would serve as a full-time missionary in Texas.
As I for mentioned, these past few weeks have been filled with emotion. When I arrived to the apartment after picking up my fourth trainee, Elder Greene, I was living that before mentioned "feeling" that Elder Allen and I would reenact. I was walking around that apartment looking at all the different rooms and objects, with many memories flooding my mind.
That first night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I was in silent meditation with my Father in Heaven. Wondering how I would be able to make it through the transfer with all these memories flowing through my head. A few answers came to me.
- Don't spend time in the apartment
2. Turn to Him.
I have mentioned this last point before. But the specific direction I got was to spend some time on my knees. Prayer would be essential. I am still acting on these promptings so I don't have much to show yet but I am feeling way better.
A couple of Sundays ago, I was having a less-than-good day but also not a bad day.
Here is an excerpt from my journal that night that I thought I should share:
I have so many thoughts right now. I just listened to Elder Allen's homecoming talk and I'm bawling my eyes out. I really wonder sometimes if I am doing enough and what more can I do. I want to come home and be converted to Jesus Christ and His gospel. I don't want to be like one of these YSA kids that are immature. I'm worried. Am I truly converted unto the Lord? If so, what am I doing about it? I am getting a glimpse of what home life might be like and it is lowkey scary. There are really good people in the YSA. And there are some people on the fence. I don't want to go home and start being on the slippery slope. I want to be like Elder Allen, and my good friend Dylan Hansen (who I also listened to His talk today). I see that they know who Christ is. I don't know what more I can give to my mission to really show God that I love Him. That is why I want to be serving. It is because I love God. I feel like I've been thrown into the perfect environment to do that. I have to rely on God here. Opening an area, having little people to teach, training someone who has no clue what's going on and is relying on me to show him. I have nowhere else to turn but to Him and it has been a struggle. Not really seeing any "fruit". I just need to see why God needs me here. I have thought a lot about the areas I have been in and why I needed to be there.
Temple: Be trained by Elder Rice, learn how to be obedient and work hard, and meet so many other missionaries.
Vista Ridge: Help the youth. I had the wonderful opportunity of being able to become really good friends with the youth. At stake conference today, I was able to meet with a lot of people from that ward. The Benett family comes up to me and tells me that Josh is now on a mission! With tears in his mother's eyes, she explains the impact that I had on her son and the example that I was to him.
Heatherwilde: Help the youth. I got along really well with those young men. They are doing really good things to grow their relationship with Christ and I know that they will be impacted by our friendship and the lessons that we had together
Bastrop: Still trying to figure it out. I didn't really connect well with the ward. I really think I was there to meet certain missionaries and be a leader to them.
Avery Ranch YSAB: Figuring that out.
Now that you know every little thing going on in my head, I hope you can learn something from it. I have come to realize, through study, prayer, and my Patriarchal Blessing, that I may not see all of the little impacts that I have had on people until later. And I am ok with that.
Elder Greene and I have been having a blast in the YSA! So many good miracles as we focus on God's hand in our lives. There are so many miracles all around us and we just need to open our eyes and look for them. Be grateful for what you have and be grateful for whatever comes your way.
Also, check out this video that I was able to make:
https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1DxFTQNsA2/
I was able to spend some time with Elder Iloa this past week. We had dinner together at Rosa's. It felt like I was reconnecting with an old friend.
On the day of transfers, I got to spend about 5 hours with Elder Allen and Elder Jones. We talked to people, ate, and visited old friends. My time with them was nothing short of adventurous. Felt like we were all living together again finding so much joy in the work.
As Elder Allen and I were talking we brought up how we felt the mission was heading (Not in a direction we like). We felt that missionaries had lost the meaning of serving a mission. And we came to the conclusion that we should serve because we love God. Not to find people, not to baptize people, not to have good numbers. But to love and serve God.
Obviously, we should have in our mind that, those latter things will come, as we Let God Prevail and do His will. Which is,
"To bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man."
Moses 1:39
Now for those missionaries who are reading this right now who are in this mission or not, think about your commitment to God. Think about how much you love Him and focus on that.
Serve your mission because you love God and want to do what He wants you to do. Don't worry about the numbers and statistics, focus on your love for God and how well you are letting Him prevail in your life.
I love Him more than I can put into words let alone write down. My time here in Texas has helped me realize His hand in my everyday life.
Time keeps going faster and I have been loving the work. There is so much JOY!
The weather is finally starting to cool down! It has been quite chilly recently and I get to start wearing my sweaters.
Check out the photos:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/WUYwsyauonMKVuc29
And remember:
Let God Prevail
That's about it. See ya.
- Elder Payne